I remember the hardest times are times I don’t forget.

Neverender – Justice, Tame Impala

Over the last 6 months, I’ve invested time in the healing of self and re-discovery of who I am as a woman, as a human of this time in all the places my feet have been planted.

I’ve grown in the rain, the light, and in the colors of plenty of places…from San Francisco, to Lake Tahoe, to Colorado, to Amsterdam, to Phoenix, to Indio, to Egypt, to San Diego, to Los Angeles, to Utah. Just being present. Listening, adapting, conversing, feeling.

There are so many things I’ve learned about experiencing the spectrum of emotions. Depression being the strongest, anxiety by its side…such fickle feelings! Terrible things didn’t come in threes, it came in five. But I have grown, will continue to grow, and from this time of healing, have become a better version of myself.

Depression doesn’t knock.

Rupi Kaur

It was really hard, dealing with the waves that were five. Things were good, then a wave would come, things feel better, and I’d have to hold my breath underwater again. Things have gotten out of control, I’ve learned how to fix it. Situations weren’t ideal, I learned to prioritize what works for me. I’ve gone through hard things, I can do it again. And again. And again.

Some days were easier, like those when I asked my man to marry me and when he asked me to marry him. We are chosen. A bond so deep, unbreakable. A spark felt from the very first hours of just knowing each other that continues to sparkle even three years later. A love so strong, I can only be in awe of what’s to come.

Life is an adventure…you can’t choose the cards you’re given but you can choose how you play the game. Dealt with some crazy cards? Sit with it, see it. Learn from it. Play with it. See what comes of it.

“This too shall pass,” I kept thinking. “This is where I need to be,” I disliked knowing. “One day I feel joy again,” I began hoping.

So I created a space for me to heal, said goodbye to a place that gave me what I needed for almost two years. And moved to a place with plenty of space for my healing and re-building after bad news. To celebrate the turning of another year while I grieved the loss of my paternal grandmother. To relive the devastation of losing my mom. To accept the fate of my father who is now battling cancer he will no doubt recover from.

To rest with my feelings, to grow with my partner in the comfort of his arms. In this place, I now sit and feel safety, I feel stability, I feel peace, I feel joy…I feel my new home at this special time.

Some days I wanna sail away

When the going gets rough

When the going gets tough

But something deep inside my body says

“You are more than enough, so don’t give up”

Keep in moving on, yeah

It’s gonna be alright, yeah yeah

Somedays – Sonny Fodera , Jazzy, D.O.D.

In the comfort of friends, my community around the world, in both my homes of San Francisco and Amsterdam, I am reminded of my “why”.

In the light of day, immersed in music of all , genres, next to people from different worlds all moving the same beat, it’s beautiful.

In the seat of my car, in the passenger seat, in the back of someone else’s car, in an airplane seat, on my couch, in my office, on friends’ couches, I’ve seen, felt, read, and listened.

I sat most with myself, my spirit guide, and plenty versions of myself who I have been healing. I’ve gone to the deep depths of my biggest fears and opened my eyes with a new perspective. I look forward, I learn from the past. I learn from the lessons. I ask my wisest self what’s next and I’m excited to see what’s to come for me in this journey of life.

You’ll come back, I was never in doubt

Glasshouse – Tinlicker, Julia Church

And I ain’t gonna wait for nothing ‘cause that just ain’t my style

Life couldn’t get better, this gon’ be the best day ever

BDE Bonus – Mac Miller

LFG. We can get through hard things.

In memory of Diana Olivares, who lived a life well lived (Aug 26, 1942 to Mar 10, 2025).

There is one irrefutable law of the universe: We are each responsible for our own life. If you’re holding anyone else accountable for your happiness, you’re wasting your time. You must be fearless enough to give yourself the love you didn’t receive. Begin noticing how every day brings a new opportunity for your growth. Pay attention. Every choice gives you a chance to pave your own road. Keep moving. Full speed ahead.

“What I Know For Sure” – Oprah Winfrey

Chance: the possibility of something to happen

Very rarely do you have a second chance at life. For my parents, both have now experienced their second shot at life and I’ve played a supporting role in their stories as a human on this earth.

Some of you reading this know my mom’s second chance at life and most of you know about my mom’s third chance at really living her full truth as a woman on this earth. She was 29, my age, when she experienced her first bout with breast cancer. I was two years old and I have a vague memory from the Philippines of me brushing her wigs. Back then I didn’t know her warrior strength, but I now look back at that memory and am gutted at the fright she must have felt knowing that she may be leaving her little daughter and husband behind.

She was 49 when that awful cancer came back, this time instead of Stage II and potentially curable, it was Stage IV and she was terminally ill. This third chance at life lit a fiery spirit in her and for the 1.5 years she lived after she was diagnosed, she was the most beautiful woman I have ever known. You would have sensed her warmth if you were near her and you wanted to be her best friend. You would have heard her laugh from the other side of the room and laughed along with her. You would have shriveled at her stark gaze if you were in the way of her happiness. You would have been inspired to always be your best and do your best if you were lucky to have time with her in that year before she died. It is my honor as her daughter to continue her legacy, to live her spirit as she lives within me.

—

Last November 2023, I was an excited witness of two amazing people getting their second chance at love. My dad and stepmom, my Tita, had a gorgeous church wedding and celebration in Arizona during Thanksgiving weekend and it was a time I’ll remember forever! To see my dad so happy and to see my tita’s beauty queen smile was a sight I’ll never forget.

A snippet from my toast to the happy couple: I truly love her for my dad and I love my dad for her. You both are an example that love can happen at any time, any age, any place, and can spark so much joy that you’ve chosen to spend forever together, by each others side through all of life’s ups and downs. Your love has inspired not only me, but I know a lot of us here too. And I know you two will continue to build a beautiful life together. I’m very lucky to be in the audience of your love story.

My dad’s second chance at life happened two weeks after the wedding, when he experienced a cerebral aneurysm and non-traumatic subdural hemorrhage. It all happened so fast. I was having brunch in Las Vegas with my aunt and uncle after celebrating my best friend’s birthday the night before and all of a sudden I was on a flight to Phoenix, praying that my dad wasn’t going to die.

By that afternoon, I was at the hospital in Arizona, staring at a wall, with my mind flooding with memories of me in the family waiting room while I greeted guests after my mom woke up from a coma…memories of the weekends I spent to be by my mom’s side as she prepared for the end…memories when I also rushed to the hospital because my mom’s heart stopped and it was time for us to say goodbye.

‘Cause there’s no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous paces bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round
And everyone lifts their heads
But I’m thinking of what Sarah said

That love is watching someone die….so who’s gonna watch you die?

“What Sarah Said” – Death Cab for Cutie

After a CT scan discovered blood in his brain, he was transferred by helicopter to this hospital. In my gut I felt that my dad’s time wasn’t up. He was young, healthy, and his body just had a brain bleed and he was in the best care at the HonorHealth Stroke Center in Scottsdale. After a suspenseful 5 hours in surgery, doctors were able to remove the blood and blood clot in his head. He survived and was on a seemingly long road to recovery. Knowing he was alive, it was now time to tell relatives and friends of this event, to let them know about my dad’s second chance at life and we needed this community to come together for him.

Thank you to our community, for keeping him in your thoughts, for wishing a speedy recovery, and for supporting my family as we adjusted to this new reality. Knowing that I almost lost my only living parent, I made the decision to take a month off work to be there for my dad, to help my tita care for him and to keep his mom, my grandma, company as she also adjusted to life in the US after moving from the Philippines.

For the first week and a half after my dad’s head trauma, I didn’t tell my grandma what had happened to her son. She thought that he was away for work. When I knew my dad was going to be okay and when I sensed her improved strength after her own recovery from being in the hospital, I knew it was time to tell her what happened. I was very grateful that my supportive partner Dylan and my sweet little brother, an RN, were with me during this special time. I have immense respect for medical professionals who have to deal with being the bearer of bad or scary news on a daily basis–it’s not easy!

I gather my strength from my warrior momma and from my own community. The messages I sent to the same people I told 7 years ago about my mom’s passing help carry my burden. To Dylan, who lives in Amsterdam, NL and flew overnight to be with me and my dad as soon as I texted him “I think my dad just had a stroke & I’m booking a flight to Phoenix ASAP”. Thank you.

By the grace of the angels above, my dad made a miraculously recovery post-trauma. He knew his time wasn’t up yet and he still has a purpose on this earth. I told him I was going to help fix him back up and there’s nothing to fear. His main focus was to gain strength, get better, see with both eyes, walk with both feet, and live his life to the fullest with my Tita and to watch my children grow up one day. He was discharged right before Christmas. He was home for Christmas. I didn’t lose my dad and he’s still here.

Time: the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole

This entire 2023 was a cluster of a year. Though it was plentiful of the some of the happiest memories of my life, it was was also packed with a lot of anxiety, stress, and sadness. What I am very proud of, however, is how I spent my time. I focused on what was important to me, doing things that added meaning to my life, read books that made me a better human, created a safe space for myself, conversed with friends and strangers who weren’t afraid to go deep with me, and explored the edges of what I am capable of.

My Top Ups of 2023 (in no particular order)

I spent hundreds of hours walking around my neighborhood, listening to music, audiobooks and podcasts. I spent multiple weeks in Europe so I can have quality time with my person and his people. I spent late nights on my work laptop so I can ensure that I did my best work and got shit done the right way. I spent time getting to know people so I can deepen my relationships and have some strong roots. I spent waaaaay too much time on my feet dancing at music festivals and events and never regretted how much fun I had with my friends or how much sleep I lost because I was fully engaged in the present moment. And most importantly, I spent precious time with my family, making the most of my second chance at building an adventurous life with my partner and my dad’s second chance at living his most fulfilling life.

What I know for sure is that this year has given me the confidence of how much life can offer. What I know for sure is that I have lived a colorful life. What I know for sure is that I am so loved. What an opportunity I have to continue exploring who I am and what I am capable of. I am filled with gratitude. So here I am, going full speed at ahead!

Speed of Light

There’s no beginning and there is no end. Feels like I’m dreaming but I’m not sleeping.

Sweet, sweet fantasy baby! When I close my eyes you come and you take me.

It’s so deep in my daydreams but it’s just a sweet, sweet fantasy baby.

Fantasy – Mariah Carey

Falling in love at the speed of light is quite special. Is this real? It feels like I’m in a movie. This is just a fantasy. NOPE! THIS IS REAL LIFE GIRL, LIVE IN IT!

With our hearts open, at exactly the right time and place, we found each other. We went all-in on giving our electric connection the attention it deserved and now here we are one year later, looking at each other with the same disbelief that we had a year ago in having something so magical in our hands.

We both came from long and serious relationships when we met at the Gorge Amphitheater in Washington state that July weekend. Neither of us thought that meeting in a crowd of people would lead us here. And never did I think to be in a relationship so deep soon after ending one.

But it took a very special person named Dylan to open me up. Today I’m sharing how these past 365 days of having Dylan in my life have given me the most full experiences I’ve ever had in my life. I can only thank the universe and a little nudge from my mom up above in bringing us here.

Disarm You

I need to know, is this real love or is it just madness keeping us afloat?

And now I have finally seen the light and I have finally realized what you mean…what you need.

And I have finally realized I need your love. Our love is…

Madness – Muse

In just the first day of knowing each other, Dylan gave me a sense of comfort that was rare to feel with a stranger. We shared deep stories with one another, were honest with our journeys and experiences that made us who we were at that time, and most importantly, established a trust that made us feel safe in disarming oneself and opening up in the most challenging, yet easiest of ways.

How is it that this man from Amsterdam met this woman from San Francisco and ended up matching so perfectly? Dylan was on the tail end of a a three week vacation with friends in the US when we met. I was at the beginning of a three week adventure across the US to meet with friends when we met.

Just a few days after we met, he booked tickets to visit me in San Francisco before I left for my family trip to the Philippines in August. That crazy man took a leap of faith, jumping into an unknown canyon of love that inspired me to open up in ways that surprised and also scared the shit out of me.

In those first few months of our relationship, he disarmed me from myself and I challenged myself to be more present and open than ever. I asked myself the difficult questions that my therapist, friends, and family encouraged me to ponder:

• What does Dylan have that makes me feel so secure in being in a long-distance, committed relationship with him?
• How can I still make space for myself to adjust to a life as this new woman while still being open to feeling deep emotions of love? Am I still honoring the promises I made to myself post-divorce?
• What do I need from Dylan in order to feel comfortable in leaning into this special bond we have?
• What am I scared of?
• How can I give Dylan the respect he deserves in the space and time he’s giving me?
• Will a 12 year age difference matter? Are we in the right stages of our lives to be in this relationship? Am I okay with him having a daughter?
• Am I in a relationship because I’m feeling lonely and just want somebody around? Or is it because I want the idea of this man and the relationship we could have? Or is it because I truly do love this man and what we are building together every second of everyday?

It took me a few months to believe that this amazing relationship was real! It was so surreal that it took me 6 months to share this relationship with the rest of the world, with all of you.

In those first few months, we put in some serious work devoting our efforts in seeing what we can establish as our foundation for this wild love. This time was best gift we gave ourselves because it gave us the security in knowing that this is what we want and what we need.

Make It Happen

You make me feel so divine. Your soul and mine are entwined. Before you I was blind but since I’ve opened up my eyes and with you there’s no disguise so I could open up my mind.

I always loved you from the start but I couldn’t figure out that I had to do it everyday. So I put away the fight, now I’m gonna live my life, giving you the most in every way.

I belong to you and you belong to me too. You make my life complete, you make me feel so sweet.

I belong to you – Lenny Kravitz

I could spend hours and days talking about the amazing ride I’ve had in this past year of adventures with Dylan. Instead, I’ll share one snapshot from every month we’ve seen each other. It took a lot of effort, resources, and commitment to make this happen! I’m very proud of the growth I’ve had and the relationship we’ve built together.

Baby It’s You

Oh if you’re there when the world comes to gather me in…

Oh if you’re there, I will be blessed.

I will be blessed – Ben Howard

When we told each other “I choose you” and “I choose you too” it was so intense for those words to appear and come full circle for us both. There’s a lot of weight in choosing your person and we both recognize what it means for one another. Choosing your partner is one of the most important decisions one makes! And I’m so happy with mine. I love him for me and I love me for him!

Happy one year, mahal ko. I’ll take the highs, lows, craziness, loneliness, good, bad, and the ugly…everything and anything met jou!! Ik hou van jou lieverd, let’s keep this great adventure of ours going!!!

“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”

Joseph Campbell

Finding who she is meant to be

I’ve always had a special connection to music, the melody, the lyrics, and relating it to something going on in my life. Growing up, I used to have song lyrics taped to my desk, which until this day, my dad has kept in his garage so my kids could also grow up with knowing their mom in a relatable way. Through music, I’ve been able to go through the most challenging of moments and also feel alive and free in my most joyous moments.

This time last year, I was starting to settle into my body and spirit as a woman. I had just come from a retreat in Tulum feeling refreshed and ready to take on that next year of life. I had much to look forward to at that moment in time: my previous partner and I were building and designing a home for our future family, while I was really enjoying my new role at Google and settling into my Bay Area routine.

The next thing I knew, my world experienced a tornado and I was thrown into a reality that I never expected to happen: a separation and subsequent divorce. As I accepted this reality in ending our marriage, I spent a lot of time singing with so much emotion and released tears of sadness. It was the end of a deep relationship, mourning for the loss of the plans I had for us, and also so scared for what’s to come. In-between sessions with my therapist, I had a lot of anxious thoughts. How would people now perceive me? Would I get labeled? How will I get through this time of my life alone, single, and without strong roots in a new city? These thoughts were so painful and scary, so I dealt with them in the best way I knew how…I sang. I sang “Gravity” by Sara Bareilles and I cried in my living room after packing boxes that would be transferred to my San Francisco studio that weekend.

A fresh start

It took a community of people from all over the world to help me transition into this new life. I am particularly grateful for the 4 amazing humans who helped me move into my SF apartment and my dog Wonton, who I kept as my fur baby and dearest everyday companion. As I started to share my new reality with my family and closest friends, I started to feel more ready to share openly with people outside of my core circles.

I let my coworkers into my new adjustment, and they were an amazing group to be surrounded by during a bulk of my week. I am very grateful to call them my friends. I also let my relatives know of this change and I am grateful for their support as I went through this life change. I exposed myself to events that I thought would be a particularly hard time, like my friend’s wedding in May, where I was surprisingly okay and actually inspired by his parents in finding love again. I surrounded myself around my best friends and family those following months, traveling across the US and to the Philippines to reconnect to my roots and discover who this new version of me was.

When I felt like I was ready to date, I met really great men who enjoyed and appreciated my company. For those discouraged about dating: don’t waste your precious time with people who don’t align with your values and interests. Find your best self and everything else will come together in due time. Even though I wasn’t looking for anything serious, I wanted to ensure that those I would go on dates with was worthy of my time and because of this, they really got to genuinely know me. They also valued my transparency in my dating goals, which was to figure out who I wanted to date in the first place, haha. This was a really fun period during this critical time in my life!

What I am really proud of during this time, is that I really made an effort to be present and self-aware. I spent a lot of time doing the things I loved, which included A LOT of hours outside. I bought an awesome gravel bike and would go to Marin for fresh air, I would ride my e-bike to work three times a week, I would check out fitness studios in SF, I would go on long walks in random parks with Wonton, I would listen to a lot of books and podcasts, I would go on hikes, I went to music festivals, and I would spend 5 hours of my Saturday morning teaching Pilates in Palo Alto. I was feeling my best, looked my best, and it felt so damn good. I was getting into a rhythm with myself and I was building the strongest relationship with this version of me. I was in SUPERBLOOM (“Superbloom” by MisterWives)!

The end of an amazing summer and the beginning of a new love

I will look back very fondly at last summer, because it was a season of discovery, so much magic, and so much acceptance of what is. I did a lot of work to ensure that I felt safe, that I felt grounded, and that I truly believed that I was exactly where I need and was meant to be. I meditated daily and spent a lot of time asking myself if I was fully aware of my thoughts, emotions, and feelings as I processed such a huge life change. Those months following my separation and divorce created the stable foundation that I know I will carry with me for the rest of my life. In reflecting in this last year, I am most proud of the work I put in to better myself, to give myself space, and to allow all of the emotions to arrive at my feet.

I had open eyes, kept an open mind, and seriously, out of nothing, stars aligned (“Naama” by Sultan + Shepard). This is truly when I started to believe in magic, haha. The magic that was within me sprinkled on old friendships I strengthened, new friendships I built, and exploded into a new love that developed into a deep relationship that I want to nurture forever (“Got 2 Believe In Magic” by Rico Yan & Claudine Barretto).

Last fall, I explored this new relationship very thoroughly, while simultaneously adjusting to developing a non-romantic relationship with my ex. Out of all that we’ve been through….I know we’re cool (“Cool” by Gwen Stefani). I am very grateful to be great friends after going through a complex time in our lives and I look back at our time very fondly. We continue to support each other as we explore new avenues of our lives and this is also a lifelong relationship I want to nurture.

And for my new love: I hesitantly fell in love with Dylan, knowing that I wasn’t ready to open up romantically…but goddamn you got me in love again (“Love Again” by Dua Lipa). Because of his friendship, patience, and love, I opened up in ways I never thought I would in a short amount of time. My soul trusted his care and I am so grateful to Dylan in giving me the space to adjust and his understanding of my need to feel grounded in my new life. Even though we are separated by 5,000 miles, we continue to go great lengths for each other and in ensuring that our relationship is tenderly cared for. As we close out on this winter, what I will remember the most is how strong of a bond we’ve built with each other, our families, and our friends. So proud of us, mahal ko! To my moon and my star, thank you for taking care of my heart and soul and giving me everything you’ve got. Let’s continue this wild love of ours. As you’ve said, we have magic in our hands. Your unconditional love takes me to paradise & you make my life soooooo sweet (“I Belong To You” by Lenny Kravitz).

From 28 and feeling great to 29 and feeling fiiiiiine

Honestly, when I turned 28 last year, I felt like I was in my early 30s, as I was preparing for a totally different stage of life and having accomplished so much while also experiencing so many life challenges at a young age. The silver lining in my mom dying when I was 23 is that it forced me to rethink many of life’s moments that feel significant, that are actually pretty insignificant. It forced me to look at the bigger picture, to look at the glass half full, and to ask myself the hard questions we sometimes avoid because we don’t like the answers. These challenges make us better humans and I am grateful to my parents, mentors, and friends in guiding me and am particularly thankful in continuing to build that spiritual relationship with my late mother.

As I take breaths and experience my 29th year of life, I promise to continue living my life fully, to be ever-present, and to appreciate what is. I am ready to continue riding the wave, not trying to deny it or fight it and just roll with it (“Feeling Free” by LEISURE). In a few days, I’ll be leaving for an amazing three-week trip with my best friends exploring Portugal, Italy, and showing them the Netherlands from mine and Dylan’s eyes. What a gift it is to be see and experience the world while having work flexibility and to have such special friends that light your fire.

So to those who have followed my rollercoaster JOURNEY (wow!): I appreciate you. Thank you for your love, your support, and your time. I feel amazing in my own skin, in my experience thus far as a woman in her own home, and am trusting the process during our limited time on earth. Let’s keep this energy goingggggg, fam!

As I sit on a moving train, looking at my left hand, I look at my 5 fingers and reflect on the last 5 years since my mom took her last breath and joined the angels. Today, and every day, I miss her. Sometimes I miss her so much it brings me to tears and my heart hurts in mourning for her loss. Sometimes I also miss her so much I cry with joy in the magical experiences I have when I feel her around me. She’s continued to care for me and her loved ones here in the physical world and we are all so blessed to be loved by sweet, spunky, and beautiful, Levy. My Momma.

It’s how I feel around you
My head is on my body, but I don’t feel it
It’s getting hard to doubt you
Just like my mama said you shouldn’t second guess
I’m feeling this

Feel Around You – Le Youth

As I make my way to LA to be reunited with some of my favorite people and honor Levy’s 50 years of life, I’ll take this time to share the 5 most magical moments where I’ve felt her warmth around me…where she gave me gifts here on earth when I needed them most. She continues to inspire me, to show her motherly love, and ensure that I’m consciously living my best life. I love you Momma!

The first year

In my darkness I remember
Momma’s words reoccur to me
“Surrender to the good Lord
And he’ll wipe your slate clean”

Take me to your river
I wanna go
Oh, go on
Take me to your river
I wanna know

River – Leon Bridges

In the first year since her death, the most magical moment that stood out to me was the first time I saw my mom since her passing. She visited me in a dream in the summer of 2018, right before I was leaving for my Europe trip with girlfriends to the Netherlands, Greece, and Italy.

Before she died, she was saying how if she felt good enough to fly, the first place she’d go to would be to visit the Vatican in Rome, Italy. Since she wasn’t able to do that, I did that for her.

When she visited me in my dream, she was wearing a crossbody bag, with jeans, and a flowy cardigan. This version of my mom was her in a recent state where her hair was growing back after her chemo and it was short, thick, and very curly! We were walking hand-in-hand on the cobbled streets of Rome and slowly going towards the Vatican. This is the scene I remember very clear in my memory.

When I woke up, I cried. I was relieved to be comforted by her presence and was grateful she came to visit. The next time I cried after that was in the actual Vatican, where I prayed for my mom, my dad, my brother, my loved ones. I prayed that she’ll continue to visit me. I prayed that my mom is dancing and singing in heaven. I prayed that I’ll never forget her.

The second year

Look at the stars
Look how they shine for you

And everything you do

Yellow – Emmit Fenn

In the second year since her death, the most magical moment was when I saw my momma in three different women while I was eating by myself at Cafe de Flore in Paris, France. It was a gorgeous May afternoon and I was traveling alone through France after separating from friends in Ireland.

To my left side was a mother/daughter duo speaking in English and from America. They both resembled what I knew my mom and I would’ve done if she were still here: I’d take her traveling with me to all the places she’d always dreamed of seeing. I saw my mom in the mother.

After the mother/daughter duo left, an older woman in her 60s with her dog replaced their spot. She said she recently lost her husband and was learning how to be on her own. She was also coincidentally from Washington state and lived close to Seattle! We shared some beautiful stories of our loved ones who left us. She actually took this series of photos, where one is shared above. I saw my mom in her.

After the photos were taken, an old woman was passing us from our right and she stopped to say something to me. She was speaking in French but I can tell she was saying something kind. I just said “Merci” as she walked away and smiled. I asked the woman next to me to translate and she said that the old woman was saying that I was so beautiful and happy. I was touched and really felt like my mom was right there next to me. I saw my mom in the old woman who stopped to tell a stranger they were beautiful.

The third year

I know what you’re going through
Listen, I’m a lot like you
We’re just a different shade of blue
I feel you, I feel it too

I Feel You (Sun Soaked Mix) – Kaskade

In the third year since her death, a magical moment I remember was in January before the pandemic started and I was in Koh Lanta, Thailand floating in the crystal blue waters. All I heard was the sound of my breath, the soft movement of the water around me, and all I felt was peace. I felt my mom’s presence floating out on the water. I had an epiphany here and this was when I told my then partner that I wasn’t happy in Seattle and wanted to move. I needed change, I needed more sunshine in my life, and I want to have more moments where I feel my mom.

My toes in the sand and feeling the waves kiss my toes is when I feel her. The ocean and I are connected that way. The ocean has washed away my tears. The ocean has muffled my cries of devastation through the losses I’ve experienced. The ocean has given me solace. The ocean reminds me of sunsets I’ve seen with my family growing up in LA. The ocean gives me magic.

The fourth year

I deserve congratulations (thank you)
I’d never thought that I’d survive
If you tell me I won’t make it
That’s when I, that’s when I

Superbloom, superbloom

Superbloom – Misterwives

In the fourth year since her death, a magical moment I experienced was finding this beautiful arrangement of white orchids (her favorite). I placed it by the window of my NYC apartment, and when walking by it, I would be mentally saying “Hi!!!!!” to my momma. This year, I was starting to really find ways to see her, feel her, and hear her even though she wasn’t physically here. I was still connected to the one who gave me life.

This was the year I felt her many times, though. I felt her when my ex and I were told of the news that our house had sold for the price that it did and we felt so blessed for the financial freedom it gave us. I felt her when we were driving to NYC from Seattle and it was just a little fam excitedly starting a new adventure. I felt her when we moved back to CA and memories flooded my brain of growing up in this state. I felt her when my depression hit again and the inner voice in me said that “I am not my best self, you must honor your mind and body and find your best self again”.

I am thankful for these many moments I find her. The “L” necklace I wear on me in moments where I’d like to “take her with me” was bought in 2021. Mother of Pearl, a reminder of my roots, a reminder of the first letter of my mother’s name, a reminder that she is always accessible to me, a reminder that I will always need and have my momma.

The fifth year

I want us to escalate
To know love is growin’
I want us to escalate
To know life is goin’
I was here yesterday
We had a promise made
I want us to escalate

Escalate – Ben Bohmer

In this fifth year since her death, I’ve felt her presence in less moments, but when I did feel her, they were sooooo strong. I was moved. This undoubtedly has been the most tumultuous year yet for me: I moved to a completely new home and started a new life…moved to a little studio in San Francisco after my ex and I separated and decided to end our marriage after seven years together…then unexpectedly found love again in the most magical of ways. I felt my mother’s magical presence when she gave me a wonderful human named Dylan.

There’s so much I can say about this epic love story I hoped to have after the end of one that was already so meaningful and deep. What I was hoping and trusted I would eventually find, was someone who would know how to take care of me when I couldn’t, and for someone to go on countless adventures with. Adventures in the outdoors, on land, in the sea, and in the air. Where Dylan and I met was at the Gorge Amphitheater at the Above & Beyond music festival in the early hours of a July day. We saw each other in the crowd, locked eyes, and have been inseparable ever since.

As we spent more time together that day on the hill at the gorgeous Gorge, we started to become great friends, opening up and sharing stories about ourselves, about where we were in our lives at that moment. We shared our deepest thoughts about life, family, friends, our roles in society as the humans we are, and our experiences in love and the loss of such.

After he shared a story about his beautiful little girl, I shared about the loss of my momma. As I felt the emotions running through all the cells in my body, Dylan, a mere stranger, comforted me and asked the most thoughtful of questions. The sun was shining as he held me, and as the sun shined on him, I smiled at my momma in the sky, who I knew sent me this amazing human who opened me up and connected with me in a way I would’ve never expected.

After 36 magical hours together, we decided to continue getting to know one another even though we were separated 5,475 miles from each other. I was in San Francisco and he was in Amsterdam. The Netherlands!! I met a man in a crowd and here we were feeling love for one another. Insane. But I honored the promise I made to myself to remain open and authentic and cautiously jumped off this cliff with Dylan, trusting the connection we had made and embracing what’s to come for me.

Over the last few months, we’ve visited one another in San Francisco and Amsterdam, got to know one another, have become the best of friends, and have grown to adore one another. He continues to respect my journey and supports me in all the ways I need to be supported. We speak the sweetest language of love. It’s an amazing feeling to find someone you have so much in common with. We have also become each other’s trusted partner. He gives my life a new meaning and I’m glad we found each other and both jumped hand-in-hand off the cliffs of a new love.

I am grateful that my momma gave me this man on that July night and am grateful that even on this day, I continue to feel joy, love, comfort, and peace as more days go by since I last held her hand. I thank her for this gift.

Fix me as I fix you

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face, and I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Fix You (Live) – Coldplay

As the years go by, my memory, these posts, and stories of her is how I keep her alive here in the physical world.

I’ll never forget the minutes where I sang “Fix You” at her funeral. It took all of my strength to sing a song with so much meaning on the day we laid her to rest. After that day, I could barely get through the first ten seconds of this song without a breakdown. Now, I can listen to this song with a smile, knowing that I did my best as a daughter to care for my mom.

Her light has continued to guide me home. It ignites my bones and gives me the strength to continue moving forward when the pain is so much. She’s fixed me in the same ways I helped to fix her.

Not a day goes by where I don’t miss her. She’ll always be my beautiful momma. The giver of my life. The one I honor every morning I say hello to a new day. Let’s continue to do so. Let’s continue to honor the beautiful life our Levy lived.

Sending light and love to all those who honor her. I love you and thank you for loving her and thank you for loving us through the years.

“You can cut all the flowers, but you cannot keep Spring from coming”

Pablo Neruda

After 8 beautiful years together, we have decided to go our separate ways. It was a difficult decision we didn’t think we’d ever have to make, but we have realized that life is precious and if there is an opportunity to live a happier, healthier life, we should take it. Over our unique relationship, we developed the utmost respect for one another and wish each other the very best as we adjust to our lives as individuals. As we close one chapter and open another, we hope you’ll continue to support us in this new journey.

“I’ll Always Remember Us This Way” – Lady Gaga

Being that this is my blog, I’ll now take the time to share a few notes about the journey we had as a couple.

Meeting at a coffee shop in Seattle in the summer of 2014 was a clear memory that I recall fondly. It was a meeting that was full of lengthy and intriguing conversation, getting to know one another and fascinated by the very different worlds we lived in: me the extroverted business woman and him the introverted software engineer. We didn’t think it was a romantic match until 5 months later and from there a wonderful life adventure began. We eventually got engaged in Nov 2016, got married in Jan 2017, and celebrated our marriage in March 2018.

I look back at the past 8 years with peace, knowing that we loved each other deeply, did our best to take care of one another, and prioritized doing things that would make us happy. With our marriage now coming to an end, I know that we will be okay and will remain unique friends who will continue to support each other as we go through life separately.

How great it is to have experienced a love so pure and I am so appreciative of John for sharing his life with me and letting me into his incredible world. My wish is for him to live his happiest, best life!

“Fly As Me” – Bruno Mars, Anderson .Paak, Silk Sonic

As for me, I’ll continue to also live my best life with my girl Wonton—respecting this unique time to reflect, adjust, and be me. Outside of this life change, everything else surrounding me is thriving and I am incredibly grateful to have this balance in a challenging time. I’ll be eating, praying, and loving. I’ll be reconnecting and renewing. I’ll be spending a lot of time enjoying the great outdoors and exploring parts of the world I’ve never been to. I know in my heart this is the best decision we could make and I will continue to be a love lover! It’s one of the only kinds of magic we can experience as humans and something I know takes form in many ways. I look forward to what’s ahead and experiencing this life I get to live with the wisdom I’ve been given, resilience I’ve built, and love I have felt from many.