“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”

Joseph Campbell

Finding who she is meant to be

I’ve always had a special connection to music, the melody, the lyrics, and relating it to something going on in my life. Growing up, I used to have song lyrics taped to my desk, which until this day, my dad has kept in his garage so my kids could also grow up with knowing their mom in a relatable way. Through music, I’ve been able to go through the most challenging of moments and also feel alive and free in my most joyous moments.

This time last year, I was starting to settle into my body and spirit as a woman. I had just come from a retreat in Tulum feeling refreshed and ready to take on that next year of life. I had much to look forward to at that moment in time: my previous partner and I were building and designing a home for our future family, while I was really enjoying my new role at Google and settling into my Bay Area routine.

The next thing I knew, my world experienced a tornado and I was thrown into a reality that I never expected to happen: a separation and subsequent divorce. As I accepted this reality in ending our marriage, I spent a lot of time singing with so much emotion and released tears of sadness. It was the end of a deep relationship, mourning for the loss of the plans I had for us, and also so scared for what’s to come. In-between sessions with my therapist, I had a lot of anxious thoughts. How would people now perceive me? Would I get labeled? How will I get through this time of my life alone, single, and without strong roots in a new city? These thoughts were so painful and scary, so I dealt with them in the best way I knew how…I sang. I sang “Gravity” by Sara Bareilles and I cried in my living room after packing boxes that would be transferred to my San Francisco studio that weekend.

A fresh start

It took a community of people from all over the world to help me transition into this new life. I am particularly grateful for the 4 amazing humans who helped me move into my SF apartment and my dog Wonton, who I kept as my fur baby and dearest everyday companion. As I started to share my new reality with my family and closest friends, I started to feel more ready to share openly with people outside of my core circles.

I let my coworkers into my new adjustment, and they were an amazing group to be surrounded by during a bulk of my week. I am very grateful to call them my friends. I also let my relatives know of this change and I am grateful for their support as I went through this life change. I exposed myself to events that I thought would be a particularly hard time, like my friend’s wedding in May, where I was surprisingly okay and actually inspired by his parents in finding love again. I surrounded myself around my best friends and family those following months, traveling across the US and to the Philippines to reconnect to my roots and discover who this new version of me was.

When I felt like I was ready to date, I met really great men who enjoyed and appreciated my company. For those discouraged about dating: don’t waste your precious time with people who don’t align with your values and interests. Find your best self and everything else will come together in due time. Even though I wasn’t looking for anything serious, I wanted to ensure that those I would go on dates with was worthy of my time and because of this, they really got to genuinely know me. They also valued my transparency in my dating goals, which was to figure out who I wanted to date in the first place, haha. This was a really fun period during this critical time in my life!

What I am really proud of during this time, is that I really made an effort to be present and self-aware. I spent a lot of time doing the things I loved, which included A LOT of hours outside. I bought an awesome gravel bike and would go to Marin for fresh air, I would ride my e-bike to work three times a week, I would check out fitness studios in SF, I would go on long walks in random parks with Wonton, I would listen to a lot of books and podcasts, I would go on hikes, I went to music festivals, and I would spend 5 hours of my Saturday morning teaching Pilates in Palo Alto. I was feeling my best, looked my best, and it felt so damn good. I was getting into a rhythm with myself and I was building the strongest relationship with this version of me. I was in SUPERBLOOM (“Superbloom” by MisterWives)!

The end of an amazing summer and the beginning of a new love

I will look back very fondly at last summer, because it was a season of discovery, so much magic, and so much acceptance of what is. I did a lot of work to ensure that I felt safe, that I felt grounded, and that I truly believed that I was exactly where I need and was meant to be. I meditated daily and spent a lot of time asking myself if I was fully aware of my thoughts, emotions, and feelings as I processed such a huge life change. Those months following my separation and divorce created the stable foundation that I know I will carry with me for the rest of my life. In reflecting in this last year, I am most proud of the work I put in to better myself, to give myself space, and to allow all of the emotions to arrive at my feet.

I had open eyes, kept an open mind, and seriously, out of nothing, stars aligned (“Naama” by Sultan + Shepard). This is truly when I started to believe in magic, haha. The magic that was within me sprinkled on old friendships I strengthened, new friendships I built, and exploded into a new love that developed into a deep relationship that I want to nurture forever (“Got 2 Believe In Magic” by Rico Yan & Claudine Barretto).

Last fall, I explored this new relationship very thoroughly, while simultaneously adjusting to developing a non-romantic relationship with my ex. Out of all that we’ve been through….I know we’re cool (“Cool” by Gwen Stefani). I am very grateful to be great friends after going through a complex time in our lives and I look back at our time very fondly. We continue to support each other as we explore new avenues of our lives and this is also a lifelong relationship I want to nurture.

And for my new love: I hesitantly fell in love with Dylan, knowing that I wasn’t ready to open up romantically…but goddamn you got me in love again (“Love Again” by Dua Lipa). Because of his friendship, patience, and love, I opened up in ways I never thought I would in a short amount of time. My soul trusted his care and I am so grateful to Dylan in giving me the space to adjust and his understanding of my need to feel grounded in my new life. Even though we are separated by 5,000 miles, we continue to go great lengths for each other and in ensuring that our relationship is tenderly cared for. As we close out on this winter, what I will remember the most is how strong of a bond we’ve built with each other, our families, and our friends. So proud of us, mahal ko! To my moon and my star, thank you for taking care of my heart and soul and giving me everything you’ve got. Let’s continue this wild love of ours. As you’ve said, we have magic in our hands. Your unconditional love takes me to paradise & you make my life soooooo sweet (“I Belong To You” by Lenny Kravitz).

From 28 and feeling great to 29 and feeling fiiiiiine

Honestly, when I turned 28 last year, I felt like I was in my early 30s, as I was preparing for a totally different stage of life and having accomplished so much while also experiencing so many life challenges at a young age. The silver lining in my mom dying when I was 23 is that it forced me to rethink many of life’s moments that feel significant, that are actually pretty insignificant. It forced me to look at the bigger picture, to look at the glass half full, and to ask myself the hard questions we sometimes avoid because we don’t like the answers. These challenges make us better humans and I am grateful to my parents, mentors, and friends in guiding me and am particularly thankful in continuing to build that spiritual relationship with my late mother.

As I take breaths and experience my 29th year of life, I promise to continue living my life fully, to be ever-present, and to appreciate what is. I am ready to continue riding the wave, not trying to deny it or fight it and just roll with it (“Feeling Free” by LEISURE). In a few days, I’ll be leaving for an amazing three-week trip with my best friends exploring Portugal, Italy, and showing them the Netherlands from mine and Dylan’s eyes. What a gift it is to be see and experience the world while having work flexibility and to have such special friends that light your fire.

So to those who have followed my rollercoaster JOURNEY (wow!): I appreciate you. Thank you for your love, your support, and your time. I feel amazing in my own skin, in my experience thus far as a woman in her own home, and am trusting the process during our limited time on earth. Let’s keep this energy goingggggg, fam!

As I sit on a moving train, looking at my left hand, I look at my 5 fingers and reflect on the last 5 years since my mom took her last breath and joined the angels. Today, and every day, I miss her. Sometimes I miss her so much it brings me to tears and my heart hurts in mourning for her loss. Sometimes I also miss her so much I cry with joy in the magical experiences I have when I feel her around me. She’s continued to care for me and her loved ones here in the physical world and we are all so blessed to be loved by sweet, spunky, and beautiful, Levy. My Momma.

It’s how I feel around you
My head is on my body, but I don’t feel it
It’s getting hard to doubt you
Just like my mama said you shouldn’t second guess
I’m feeling this

Feel Around You – Le Youth

As I make my way to LA to be reunited with some of my favorite people and honor Levy’s 50 years of life, I’ll take this time to share the 5 most magical moments where I’ve felt her warmth around me…where she gave me gifts here on earth when I needed them most. She continues to inspire me, to show her motherly love, and ensure that I’m consciously living my best life. I love you Momma!

The first year

In my darkness I remember
Momma’s words reoccur to me
“Surrender to the good Lord
And he’ll wipe your slate clean”

Take me to your river
I wanna go
Oh, go on
Take me to your river
I wanna know

River – Leon Bridges

In the first year since her death, the most magical moment that stood out to me was the first time I saw my mom since her passing. She visited me in a dream in the summer of 2018, right before I was leaving for my Europe trip with girlfriends to the Netherlands, Greece, and Italy.

Before she died, she was saying how if she felt good enough to fly, the first place she’d go to would be to visit the Vatican in Rome, Italy. Since she wasn’t able to do that, I did that for her.

When she visited me in my dream, she was wearing a crossbody bag, with jeans, and a flowy cardigan. This version of my mom was her in a recent state where her hair was growing back after her chemo and it was short, thick, and very curly! We were walking hand-in-hand on the cobbled streets of Rome and slowly going towards the Vatican. This is the scene I remember very clear in my memory.

When I woke up, I cried. I was relieved to be comforted by her presence and was grateful she came to visit. The next time I cried after that was in the actual Vatican, where I prayed for my mom, my dad, my brother, my loved ones. I prayed that she’ll continue to visit me. I prayed that my mom is dancing and singing in heaven. I prayed that I’ll never forget her.

The second year

Look at the stars
Look how they shine for you

And everything you do

Yellow – Emmit Fenn

In the second year since her death, the most magical moment was when I saw my momma in three different women while I was eating by myself at Cafe de Flore in Paris, France. It was a gorgeous May afternoon and I was traveling alone through France after separating from friends in Ireland.

To my left side was a mother/daughter duo speaking in English and from America. They both resembled what I knew my mom and I would’ve done if she were still here: I’d take her traveling with me to all the places she’d always dreamed of seeing. I saw my mom in the mother.

After the mother/daughter duo left, an older woman in her 60s with her dog replaced their spot. She said she recently lost her husband and was learning how to be on her own. She was also coincidentally from Washington state and lived close to Seattle! We shared some beautiful stories of our loved ones who left us. She actually took this series of photos, where one is shared above. I saw my mom in her.

After the photos were taken, an old woman was passing us from our right and she stopped to say something to me. She was speaking in French but I can tell she was saying something kind. I just said “Merci” as she walked away and smiled. I asked the woman next to me to translate and she said that the old woman was saying that I was so beautiful and happy. I was touched and really felt like my mom was right there next to me. I saw my mom in the old woman who stopped to tell a stranger they were beautiful.

The third year

I know what you’re going through
Listen, I’m a lot like you
We’re just a different shade of blue
I feel you, I feel it too

I Feel You (Sun Soaked Mix) – Kaskade

In the third year since her death, a magical moment I remember was in January before the pandemic started and I was in Koh Lanta, Thailand floating in the crystal blue waters. All I heard was the sound of my breath, the soft movement of the water around me, and all I felt was peace. I felt my mom’s presence floating out on the water. I had an epiphany here and this was when I told my then partner that I wasn’t happy in Seattle and wanted to move. I needed change, I needed more sunshine in my life, and I want to have more moments where I feel my mom.

My toes in the sand and feeling the waves kiss my toes is when I feel her. The ocean and I are connected that way. The ocean has washed away my tears. The ocean has muffled my cries of devastation through the losses I’ve experienced. The ocean has given me solace. The ocean reminds me of sunsets I’ve seen with my family growing up in LA. The ocean gives me magic.

The fourth year

I deserve congratulations (thank you)
I’d never thought that I’d survive
If you tell me I won’t make it
That’s when I, that’s when I

Superbloom, superbloom

Superbloom – Misterwives

In the fourth year since her death, a magical moment I experienced was finding this beautiful arrangement of white orchids (her favorite). I placed it by the window of my NYC apartment, and when walking by it, I would be mentally saying “Hi!!!!!” to my momma. This year, I was starting to really find ways to see her, feel her, and hear her even though she wasn’t physically here. I was still connected to the one who gave me life.

This was the year I felt her many times, though. I felt her when my ex and I were told of the news that our house had sold for the price that it did and we felt so blessed for the financial freedom it gave us. I felt her when we were driving to NYC from Seattle and it was just a little fam excitedly starting a new adventure. I felt her when we moved back to CA and memories flooded my brain of growing up in this state. I felt her when my depression hit again and the inner voice in me said that “I am not my best self, you must honor your mind and body and find your best self again”.

I am thankful for these many moments I find her. The “L” necklace I wear on me in moments where I’d like to “take her with me” was bought in 2021. Mother of Pearl, a reminder of my roots, a reminder of the first letter of my mother’s name, a reminder that she is always accessible to me, a reminder that I will always need and have my momma.

The fifth year

I want us to escalate
To know love is growin’
I want us to escalate
To know life is goin’
I was here yesterday
We had a promise made
I want us to escalate

Escalate – Ben Bohmer

In this fifth year since her death, I’ve felt her presence in less moments, but when I did feel her, they were sooooo strong. I was moved. This undoubtedly has been the most tumultuous year yet for me: I moved to a completely new home and started a new life…moved to a little studio in San Francisco after my ex and I separated and decided to end our marriage after seven years together…then unexpectedly found love again in the most magical of ways. I felt my mother’s magical presence when she gave me a wonderful human named Dylan.

There’s so much I can say about this epic love story I hoped to have after the end of one that was already so meaningful and deep. What I was hoping and trusted I would eventually find, was someone who would know how to take care of me when I couldn’t, and for someone to go on countless adventures with. Adventures in the outdoors, on land, in the sea, and in the air. Where Dylan and I met was at the Gorge Amphitheater at the Above & Beyond music festival in the early hours of a July day. We saw each other in the crowd, locked eyes, and have been inseparable ever since.

As we spent more time together that day on the hill at the gorgeous Gorge, we started to become great friends, opening up and sharing stories about ourselves, about where we were in our lives at that moment. We shared our deepest thoughts about life, family, friends, our roles in society as the humans we are, and our experiences in love and the loss of such.

After he shared a story about his beautiful little girl, I shared about the loss of my momma. As I felt the emotions running through all the cells in my body, Dylan, a mere stranger, comforted me and asked the most thoughtful of questions. The sun was shining as he held me, and as the sun shined on him, I smiled at my momma in the sky, who I knew sent me this amazing human who opened me up and connected with me in a way I would’ve never expected.

After 36 magical hours together, we decided to continue getting to know one another even though we were separated 5,475 miles from each other. I was in San Francisco and he was in Amsterdam. The Netherlands!! I met a man in a crowd and here we were feeling love for one another. Insane. But I honored the promise I made to myself to remain open and authentic and cautiously jumped off this cliff with Dylan, trusting the connection we had made and embracing what’s to come for me.

Over the last few months, we’ve visited one another in San Francisco and Amsterdam, got to know one another, have become the best of friends, and have grown to adore one another. He continues to respect my journey and supports me in all the ways I need to be supported. We speak the sweetest language of love. It’s an amazing feeling to find someone you have so much in common with. We have also become each other’s trusted partner. He gives my life a new meaning and I’m glad we found each other and both jumped hand-in-hand off the cliffs of a new love.

I am grateful that my momma gave me this man on that July night and am grateful that even on this day, I continue to feel joy, love, comfort, and peace as more days go by since I last held her hand. I thank her for this gift.

Fix me as I fix you

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face, and I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Fix You (Live) – Coldplay

As the years go by, my memory, these posts, and stories of her is how I keep her alive here in the physical world.

I’ll never forget the minutes where I sang “Fix You” at her funeral. It took all of my strength to sing a song with so much meaning on the day we laid her to rest. After that day, I could barely get through the first ten seconds of this song without a breakdown. Now, I can listen to this song with a smile, knowing that I did my best as a daughter to care for my mom.

Her light has continued to guide me home. It ignites my bones and gives me the strength to continue moving forward when the pain is so much. She’s fixed me in the same ways I helped to fix her.

Not a day goes by where I don’t miss her. She’ll always be my beautiful momma. The giver of my life. The one I honor every morning I say hello to a new day. Let’s continue to do so. Let’s continue to honor the beautiful life our Levy lived.

Sending light and love to all those who honor her. I love you and thank you for loving her and thank you for loving us through the years.

“You can cut all the flowers, but you cannot keep Spring from coming”

Pablo Neruda

After 8 beautiful years together, we have decided to go our separate ways. It was a difficult decision we didn’t think we’d ever have to make, but we have realized that life is precious and if there is an opportunity to live a happier, healthier life, we should take it. Over our unique relationship, we developed the utmost respect for one another and wish each other the very best as we adjust to our lives as individuals. As we close one chapter and open another, we hope you’ll continue to support us in this new journey.

“I’ll Always Remember Us This Way” – Lady Gaga

Being that this is my blog, I’ll now take the time to share a few notes about the journey we had as a couple.

Meeting at a coffee shop in Seattle in the summer of 2014 was a clear memory that I recall fondly. It was a meeting that was full of lengthy and intriguing conversation, getting to know one another and fascinated by the very different worlds we lived in: me the extroverted business woman and him the introverted software engineer. We didn’t think it was a romantic match until 5 months later and from there a wonderful life adventure began. We eventually got engaged in Nov 2016, got married in Jan 2017, and celebrated our marriage in March 2018.

I look back at the past 8 years with peace, knowing that we loved each other deeply, did our best to take care of one another, and prioritized doing things that would make us happy. With our marriage now coming to an end, I know that we will be okay and will remain unique friends who will continue to support each other as we go through life separately.

How great it is to have experienced a love so pure and I am so appreciative of John for sharing his life with me and letting me into his incredible world. My wish is for him to live his happiest, best life!

“Fly As Me” – Bruno Mars, Anderson .Paak, Silk Sonic

As for me, I’ll continue to also live my best life with my girl Wonton—respecting this unique time to reflect, adjust, and be me. Outside of this life change, everything else surrounding me is thriving and I am incredibly grateful to have this balance in a challenging time. I’ll be eating, praying, and loving. I’ll be reconnecting and renewing. I’ll be spending a lot of time enjoying the great outdoors and exploring parts of the world I’ve never been to. I know in my heart this is the best decision we could make and I will continue to be a love lover! It’s one of the only kinds of magic we can experience as humans and something I know takes form in many ways. I look forward to what’s ahead and experiencing this life I get to live with the wisdom I’ve been given, resilience I’ve built, and love I have felt from many.