How would you have me described?
With light
With words you think I’d like?

A little bit more, a little bit less
A little bit harder than I thought they said
A little bit fine, a little bit stressed
A little bit older than I thought I’d get

But I, I think I like this little life — “Little Life” Cordelia

Running on fumes

The last ten months tested the limits of how I can show up for everyone and everything I commit to. Twice I ran into moments where I was running on fumes…the last few drops I could feel almost evaporate if I didn’t Press Pause.

For those of you who have cared for family members or friends, you may know the feel of this pit I describe. In February, I showed up for my dad who needed my support as he prepped for heart surgery, tried to balance my time by pursuing stretch projects within my team while interviewing for a dream role, went skiing in Austria with my partner, spent quality time with my little stepdaughter, and made it back to America to start that mini-promo of a dream role I got and worked from Arizona so I could be there for during my dad’s surgery and recovery. It was a lot, but I did it! (nervous, cringe face) “Maak Me Wakker” – Bente

In March, I was still in that familiar auto-pilot mode that I had learned to do when my mom was sick. Given that this was my birthday month and also a milestone birthday, I remained unplugged, tethered to my inner circle, and tried to find who I wanted to be in this next decade of life.

In Costa Rica, I came back to life. I went on walks in nature to reflect by myself, I had a handful of adventurous experiences with Dylan in the jungle, saw so much beautiful wildlife and sealife, swallowed a lot of sea water surfing, touched the bottom of the sea during a scuba dive, hung out in an animal sanctuary, stared at smoke coming out of a volcano, had energy healing massages, admired art by talented Costa Rican artists, and ate incredible meals with my favorite person. The best thing I did for myself was book this trip and commit to all it could offer.

And music, thank you music. New music! “One Night / All night” – Justice, Tame Impala

I remember telling Dylan that even if my dad’s surgery did not have a positive outcome, I would still want to do this trip for myself. Even if it were to grieve, but booooooy, am I thankful my dad survived his open-heart surgery and was at home to recover when I left for Costa Rica.

With a little help from my support system, I saw in color again. I held my breath for four months while I showed up for my family and finally, I was able to really breathe again. Literally….finally able to take a deep breath and feel my lungs really fill up and have my chest not get stuck from the stress and worry. Thank you to all those who kept my dad in your thoughts during this tough period of uncertainty. You know who you are. All my love and gratitude, always. “This Version of You” – ODESZA, Julianna Barwick

And off she went, firing arrows

straight into the heart of that dark cloud,

leaving flowers in her wake — Unknown

Finding my friend, Joy

Sometimes it takes a good Disney Pixar movie to really WAKE YA UP! To me, it was watching Inside Out the plane ride from Phoenix to San Francisco to round out my month of healing. I had let the feelings out, made peace with Sadness, Anger, and Fear, and started to feel Joy. It was time to have some fun, let loose, and Hit Play.

To me, there’s nothing like sunshine, good music, friends, and all-natural fun stuffz to reallllllly make anytime a GREAT time! Before Dylan and I headed back to the desert for Coachella, we stopped by my Momma where she was laid to rest. It was an emotional moment and I am so grateful for her spiritual blessings as I go on this journey called life. Mad respect for >> “On My Mama” – Victoria Monet

And let me tell ya, this year’s Coachella weekend is one of the Top 5 best times of my life. SO much fun, SO many moments of me being so damn grateful for friendship (that’s you, A, T & S!), sisterhood (that’s you, E!), random encounters with old friends (that’s you, B & J!), and watching artists doing what they do best, grooving to what they were born to do! I am hyped up just thinking about the magic of this weekend. Top performances/songs of the weekend, in no particular order: “Espresso” – Sabrina Carpenter, “WORTH IT.” – Raye, “Hella Good” – No Doubt, “Go Back” – John Summit, Sub Focus, Julia Church, “Worship” – Jon Batiste, “Rhyme Dust” – MK, Dimension, Dom Dolla, “One Night/All Night x D.A.N.C.E.” – Justice

I needed some good recovery time after three days of dancing my ass off, running around and singing. A good friend of mine, my neighbor, told me to try Reiki to release some of that stuck energy and tension in my chest and back. Y’all know me…I was down to experience something new and with this open-mindedness and open-heartedness, I was released of my burdens and was able to see clear again. I am now a Reiki-believer!!! “every-little-part-of-you” – Le Youth, Otherwish, LeyeT

Back to Europe I went in May for a gorgeous wedding of the babes A + T in Florence. Y’all outdid yourselves, thank you for having us and throwing a great party to celebrate your love. And bonus time for Dylan’s birthday and with the little in Amsterdam so she can be a princess in a real castle!

Gratituding, Renewing, and Bopping

And in between the fun from April – July was work, work, work. Pouring myself into my new role, setting myself up for success, and I am seeing the hard work pay off. Fun was still had…going to see Odesza twice at The Greek in Berkeley then at The Gorge in Washington. More shows in SF for Yotto and Above & Beyond. Then got thrown into a full loop with my dog Wonton almost died on me and I had to focus on life in SF. She’s my miracle dog!! And at the end of July, on my way to a long holiday, I was back at the pit of my own doing. I had to press a long pause and Rewind to reflect on how I got there.

Oops! It’s obvious isn’t it? I was all gas no breaks! However, I did set myself up to relax and chill for five weeks in Europe, two of them working remotely and three of them on holiday. Lesson learned…and for the first week in Amsterdam, it was family time to celebrate the little’s birthday and friend time in the sun. Then the second week, I did nothing but read my book and watch TV (something I hadn’t done in months). After two weeks of resting, I was ready to Play it Again.

During the third week, Dylan and I celebrated our two years by going to the Dutch version of Coachella called Lowlands, which felt like my true initiation into Dutch culture and I was IN IT! We had the best time ever. Spoke some Dutch, danced a lot, chilled under the stars, people watched, laughed, and had a merry time. My best friend and I. This weekend was too special to have us posted on this public format but y’all know I mean it when I saw it was a meaningful weekend together. Favorite acts: Goldband (must see this! though some it was off-key, it was a good time), Froukje, Teddy Swims, Soulwax, James Blake, and seeing one my day-ones Droeloe live for the first time.

The fourth week of my time in Europe was in the beautiful countries of Italy and France. Dylan sailed our friends around Sardinia and Corsica to have an unforgettable time bonding, making new memories, and strengthening friendships. Love you, my Ams Fam.

My final week in Europe was quality time at home, biking around Amsterdam, taking the little to school, going to the office, and soaking in the final moments of a sweet, sweet summer. As I was flying back to San Francisco, I was feeling refreshed, recharged and ready to plug back full-time into life in America. Much time was spent in SoCal with family and old friends for weddings! And September ended with another incredible, music-filled weekend in San Francisco for the Portola Festival. *chef’s kiss* Special mention for the best surprise of the weekend and an awesome DnB moment with E+R “Backbone” – Chase & Status, Stormzy.

And with that, another season had ended, welcoming the autumn air into the lungs of a renewed Rae. The first weekend was spent at the magical Red Rocks, seeing one of our favorite artists do a collab with a legend, forming LSZEE. We watched this awesome duo from the 5th row and it was Dylan’s first time at the venue. Can you spot us in the set? I can feel this set in my souuuuul.

The last few weeks of October and November have been thought-provoking and soul-awakening and I really enjoyed writing this post to reflect on most of this year. Letting you into my world is a story I share as we all walk through the many, varying paths of life. May we wander, may we continue to learn, listen, and share. May we take care of one another through big changes to come. May we be kinder and more patient. May we fill our own soul cups before we fill others’. May we continue to choose love, everyday. Talk to y’all sooooooooooon!

keep going

just a little past

that place you had decided was the farthest

you could

go.

and then

watch

as your unfathomably inextinguishable hope

rises, hungry and wild,

once more.

– Unknown